the go/no-go list

I am not an emotional risk taker, particularly in terms of love.  Never have been and I'm not sure why.  Until a few months ago I could never understand people who said that they just knew, or who flung themselves headlong into love.  I have been guilty of rolling my eyes upon hearing someone babble on with a huge giddy smile about their new relationship.

In the past I've fallen into relationships out of convenience and when I'm being honest with myself, out of lust.  Oh sure they've lasted for 3, 4 even 10 years but in my heart I always knew that there was an endpoint.  In the past three years I've gone so far as to actually develop a go/no-go checklist in my head.

The "go" list was simple: must like my kid, must be as passionate about the mountains and ocean as me, must be intelligent, must smile lots.

The "no-go" list was equally simple, albeit with more caveats: not a smoker or a chronic pothead (deal breaker), no kids (too hard to combine parenting schedules), not my age (heaven forbid he'd want an actual relationship!), not local (because it might take time away from my friends having to spend time during the week with him), not shorter than me (yes I'm that shallow sometimes).


The go/no-go list is no more.  


The sudden arrival of AS in my life has made me reassess the no-go list since he has two kids, is my age and lives nearby.  The first two are things that give him the depth of character that I am completely taken by.  And I've quickly come to appreciate the latter since I can stop by for breakfast on my way to work, or have dinner with him and his kids without the sleepover pressure.  No resentment about taking time away from my friends or career.

While I've realized that the go-list is still vitally important, the no-go-list is more flexible when things just_feel_right.  A sign of emotional risk taking finally?  I'll let the giddy smile anytime someone mentions his name answer that question.