road trip reminders

I'm just back from a week in the "almost Kootenays" - the Boundary region. Seems funny that an area defines itself by what it's between, as opposed to what it *is*. The work portion of the trip was amazing. It always amazes me how easily I ignore that part of me that loves to be in my Carharts, making on-site snap decisions and being sweaty and dirty.

I try to convince myself, better sometimes than others, that I love my dressing nicely, professional, office persona. But while careening east along the Crowsnest Highway as the sun is rising I admit to myself that I love road trips. I love the simplicity and the sense of detachment that comes with driving, stopping when I see something interesting then driving some more. Visualizing myself riding a horse at full gallop over the naked hillsides of this region, of being on a fast motorcycle taking corners with one knee almost scraping the ground.... of going fast, really fast. Of letting out a roar when no one can hear me. Of avoiding the underbelly of life.

I don't know how to combine that person with my mom-persona. There's so much to show my not-so-little girl. So much to tell her, to teach her, to warn her about and for the first time I'm beginning to feel like I'm running out of time. Like it's going too fast.

All this pressure is bringing back those ugly niggling feelings of a panic attack again. It's coming and it doesn't feel very good. I'm going to go back to my doctor of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) because she's the only one who's been able to help in this department.

Then I come back to my little island and realize that this is home. But I only recognize it as home because I've been away. I hole up on my ugly green couch and regroup. I need to remember the words of the Dalai Lama -

there is no road to happiness
happiness is the road